Cat:
Calling someone shallow because they won’t date a fat person is wrong. There is nothing natural about being overweight or obese. Sure genetics play a part, but there is no reason other then laziness to become a rolling blob of lard. Obesity in a person sends up a massive warning sign that a person lacks discipline, self control, and self respect. Unfortunately with the lack of self respect comes lack of respect for others, as was so well displayed in the “I Was So Nice” situation. Keep up your routine and your standards. Hey “Nice,” you are not in the wrong, society is. —Tired Of Walking On Eggshells

Dear Cat:
The letter from the woman who got yelled at because she wouldn’t go on a date with the overweight guy nicely segued from your recent columns about ‘nice guys’ and how they might get the short end of the stick. The overweight guy probably uses the excuse that he’s sooo nice and women won’t give him a fair shot just because he’s heavy but the truth is that she just didn’t like him romantically (basic lack of chemistry) and turns out he couldn’t be further from a ‘nice guy’. Just one woman’s opinion here, thanks.

Cat:
Loved your answer on the guy who wants to know if he should talk to his psycho ex-girlfriend …the one who dumped him in front of everyone. He portrays himself as a normal, nice guy…but there is nothing normal about even THINKING about talking to someone who has humiliated you. He obviously lacks self-confidence. If you truly like who you are, you don’t let people treat you like that and then turn around and think about going out and having a drink with them. She sounds like she used and abused him; probably wants for him to go out and pay for the drinks because that’s what nice, normal guys do. Keep up your sharp-witted, sensible answers.

Cat:
Attention-whore?!? love it! keep tellin’ it like it is…

Hey Cat,
I just read today’s column about the girlfriend who humiliated the guy and then started calling him all the time. I swear that it could have been me who wrote that letter. I dated a woman who did almost the exact same thing but we were together much longer than the guy in the column (almost a year.) That guy needs to follow your advice to the nth degree. People like that girl are only out for themselves and you can never ever have a real relationship with them. I doubt their two months together were even good, he probably just stayed for the drama.

Cat:
In the words of Chris Rock, “Take off that silly ass hat.” Seriously. Love your advice, hate the hat in the photograph. —Anonymous

• Dear Anonymous: Chris Rock loves my hat. — Cat

Hey Cat,
A long distance relationship can absolutely work but only if both people want it to become non-long-distance and say it all the time. I’ve done it twice with great success: the 1st ended amicably for general reasons of incompatibility and the 2nd is now my husband : )
— Happily Hitched In Houston

Hi Cat,
I would never be in a long-distance relationship. There’s no point because the whole purpose of being in a relationship at all is to spend as much time with someone as possible. It’s not like he’s going into the army or something. If this guy moves away, he’s choosing to go. They could still keep in touch but she should start dating other guys as soon as he says, “I’m outta here.” And don’t help him pack!

Cat,
The whole long distance relationship thing is underrated, in my opinion. People might think that sounds crazy but it’s a way for people to see just how into each other they are. I mean, if you continue to really like someone without being able to see them every second, that says something about how real the feelings are. If they can manage to visit each other until they’re ready to take the next step (one of them moving), it’s incredible how much they’ll appreciate each other. At least that’s how it was with my husband and me for the first two years : ) — Sandy J. (San Francisco, CA, formerly of Pittsburgh!)

Dear Cat:
I just had to write to tell the girl with the potential long-distance boyfriend to GO FOR IT!!!! I was in almost the exact same situation almost 20 years ago. I ended the relationship thinking the same way she is, and I have regretted it ever since. I believe I lost the love of my life because I was afraid to see it through. Your advice to her was right on!!

Cat,
The debate over long-distance relationships seems to hinge on people viewing their own experiences as universal truths. I support your position that success is case sensitive. I offer two examples. I am NOT suited for long-distance relationships. I tried a few and they failed, either for petering communication or interest in someone closer. Nonetheless, I never engaged in one with someone ultimately worth the effort. Chalk one for “Don’t Bother.” On the other hand, my cousin and his girlfriend were parted when she attended medical school 7 hours away. For two years they talked nearly every night, but saw each other only once in a while. It wasn’t easy, as I saw first hand — the stress and loneliness led to fighting, wandering eyes, and doubtfulness. They married last month. That’s what they wanted all along and to them it justified the struggle. That’s one for “Give It A Try.”

Hi Cat,
Just read your response to the Nice Guy complainer and I am elated that someone (you) finally has the guts to tell all these self-proclaimed “nice” guys that a lot of them aren’t even nice! Guys love to use that excuse when women don’t like them (“she must want a jerk if she doesn’t want me”) but a lot of the time guys think they’re princes just because they’re not acting like a******s according to their own definition. You can think you’re nice and perfect but any time you show up late or don’t call when you say you’re going to or “nicely” cancel plans to hang out with your friends, you’re not nice! You tell ‘em, Cat.
— D.M.T. (Chicago, IL)

Dear Cat,
I think you hit the nail on the head about nice guys. If a guy is truly nice for the sake of being nice, then there should be no complaining because his reward is the good feeling you get from acting that way. Thanks.

Cat,
I don’t agree with your nice guy theory. I agree that being especially nice will not create attraction and romance where none existed already… at least it’s very unlikely. But girls are proven to be less attracted to and less interested in “nice” guys. After all, we all know that girls, in spite of what they say, are very attracted to 1) good-looking guys, 2) confidence, and 3) charm. Nice guys that are very good looking will always get girls. Nice guys who are short, fat, and bald will have a very hard time getting the attention of anyone female. Even your OK-looking guys (a 5 or 6 on a scale of 10) are much more likely to get consistent girl attention if they’re charming, funny, interesting, or have money… preferably all of the above. 9 out of 10 girls, in spite of what they say, are visually-driven and will make instant impressions based on a guys appearance that they may never shake. Charm and appearance will always get girls. Let’s be honest, Cat, nice guys will always finish last… —Better to Be Yourself

Dear Cat,
Regarding the nice guy debate. I’m a 37 year old male, and I’ve never been on a date or had a girlfriend. I am intelligent and well educated, I don’t smoke, and I’ve been clean and sober my entire life. I’m attracted to women with those same characteristics. Every woman who has ever rejected me has always given me the exact same reason, “You’re a nice guy.” Many of these women have later gone on to tell me about the guys that they had dated in the past. “I dated him for three years. He was a jerk the entire time.” Literally, women would rather get into a car with a drunk driver than go on a date with a “nice” guy such as myself. It is not me who is saying that women won’t date nice guys and that they prefer to date jerks. It is the women themselves who tell me this.
Sincerely,
Wondering Why Women Reject Nice Guys, Date Jerks, And Then Complain About The Jerks.

Hey Cat:
I have a quote (one of 7 on my wall) that addresses the nice guy subject, from Garry Shandling of all people: “Nice guys finish first. If you don’t know that, then you don’t know where the finish line is.”

Ms. Cat,
And now the truth. Hate to be so negative here, but in public discussions, magazine stories, etc., many untruths are stated. First, women talk about finding a sensitive man, an understanding, trusting man blah blah blah, it’s all a lie. The only difference between men and women is that men don’t deny the fact that they are shallow and tend to only be attracted to attractive women. Attractive women are no different. They go for: 1. Tall. Yes, TALL trumps everything else. 2) Good looking 3) Money. That’s it. They are just as shallow. If you’re tall, good looking, and have money, that is the ticket. Now if a women is fat, older, and unattractive, she will be much more open to dating anyone. And finally, the old adage about how attractive women are so lonely because men fear approaching them, what a bunch of crap. If you’re good looking, there will be a line stretched around the corner to talk to you. I know you will say this stuff isn’t true and I’m being negative, but sorry, it is. By the way, I saw your interview recently on tv. Keep up the good work. Your column is entertaining.

Dear Cat,
You stated No one characteristic is enough to sustain a relationship. Now just what would that characteristic be? :)

Hi Cat-
I’m not one for reading advice columns, but I check yours out when I see it on the Post-Gazette’s home page. Today, you told Lookin’ For Love that “no one characteristic is enough to sustain a relationship (well, maybe one, but …). “ I am curious as to what that “one” might be – is it as obvious as I’m afraid it is?

• Dear Readers,
  Chances are, the “one characteristic” is not what you think. But I thank you for having dirty minds. Now that’s something helpful to sustaining a relationship. — Cat

Hi Cat,
I want to comment about the overweight (or formerly overweight) woman in today’s column. Yes it’s great she lost weight and feels so much better but sometimes people get holier-than-thou attitudes when they get thin (or quit smoking or drinking or whatever). She might have changed her own attitude toward her friends without realizing it. She might kind of look down on them now. Maybe they don’t want to take causal strolls if they never did that before. Or maybe her new exercise routine makes her more unavailable than she was before. It’s something to consider, though you also made excellent points. — Sarah G. (Raleigh, NC)

kitty kat? This old dog thinks you’re drop dead gorgeous and wants to buy you some cat food….rrrrrrruuuufff…..rrrrruuuuffff

Cat:
Regarding your response to this week’s first letter It’s not her job to support boyfriend, there are other aspects to consider as well. First, the writer says on one hand that the boyfriend’s not lazy, but later suspects he’s not trying very hard to find a job. It sounds like the latter is the case. His reticence to really pound the pavement and try like hell to find a good job is a big red flag. It’s indicative of a personality that is, shall we say, not exactly a go-getter. And while his laid-back attitude may be fine while they’re dating, would the writer really want to one day be married to and sharing a life with a slacker like this? Secondly, I think a person’s emotional reaction to unemployment is also VERY revealing. My ex-husband lost his job more than once, and each time reacted with constant bitterness, anger and verbal abuse. He was absolute hell to live with. (Hence the ‘ex’ status.) Last year my fiance lost his job, and my radar went up. I thought, “Here it is, the crisis that’s going to tell me so much more about this man I already know so well.” To my delight (but not to my surprise, really), he handled the situation with complete dignity and grace. He looked nonstop for a job and went on plenty of interviews. He kept his head up and looked at the positives, like more time to be at home and getting things done there while he doggedly looked for a job. While he was occasionally discouraged by an interview or a response letter, he always maintained an even, positive keel. He ended up finding a great job in his career field and is very happy with it. And I thanked my lucky stars that I had finally found a wonderful, kind man. The writer needs to look at this time as an opportunity to really get to know the boyfriend, warts and all. If she can handle him at what is certainly a low point in his life, fine. If not, she needs to move on.

Cat:
Boy did you miss the mark on to nag or not to nag. The boyfriend has been unemployed for seven months? It is time for her to move on unless she wants to marry the bum and support him until she finally comes to her senses. She says he isn’t lazy, LOL! I married a guy like that and worked as a professional plus had up to 3 additional part time jobs to support our kids and his expensive hobbies while he worked an occasional part time job. Finally after 13 years I came to my senses and threw him out.

Hi Cat,
Just read your advice regarding the person whose boyfriend has been unemployed for several months and hasn’t found a job yet. I appreciated your advice to stick with him and be supportive without forking over hard-earned cash. (Though I admit I think it would be OK for him/her to pick up the occasional grocery bill or something similar if he/she is in the position, just to relieve a little stress. Emphasis on “occasional”!) I have a similar story with an interesting ending…when my boyfriend and I first began dating five years ago, he was unemployed but had savings to live on for a bit. He was admirably relentless in his job searching and occasionally freelanced but just couldn’t find the right job due to the economy, where we lived, his line of work, etc. For the most part, I kept my mouth shut and only offered my advice and opinions when asked. Over a year later, he found a job…in another state. By this time we were living together and I supported him emotionally as he pursued this job and his dream of working in a particular industry, both not found where we lived. I made the leap to move there a few months later, after making sure that he liked the job and would stick with it (as well as finding my own job). Two years after my move, with both of us employed and successful, we were married. When I think about those tough times in the beginning of our relationship, I sometimes wonder "what was I thinking?!" getting involved with a man who was unemployed for so long, but never once did he ask me for money or take advantage of me financially, and something inside told me that if given the right opportunity, he’d succeed. And he has. The irony is that now, his job has taken us back to where we originally lived, and now I’m the one interviewing for jobs. The dynamics of the relationship are changed, of course, since we’re married, but it’s funny how things have come full circle and now he’s the one giving me the emotional (and occasional financial) support that I gave him all those years ago.
I hope this couple makes it and I think your advice was right on. You didn’t discourage this person from the relationship, but rather encouraged him/her to be cautious with his/her finances and offer help in other ways. Lord knows I’ve proofread my fair share of cover letters! A lot of people would have told this person to move on, and maybe he/she will need to do that at some point, but for now, letting him work it out himself while sticking by him could be what he needs to succeed. Sorry for the long email! Love reading your column every Tuesday… wish it was longer! Take care and have a great day.

Hi Cat,
I want to chime in on the sex-less couple question. It doesn’t matter that they’re gay, it doesn’t matter that they have a house, none of that matters. If people have NO sex at all with each other, that’s a big problemo. She says that she’s sure her girlfriend isn’t cheating but you can never be 100% sure. I’m not saying it’s definitely the reason but she could be cheating in her mind and the woman wouldn’t know it. All I can say is, if gay couples aren’t having sex either then they should be allowed to get married because that’s proof they’re just like almost everyone else I know who’s married. Thanks for letting me chime. BTW I’m a 38 yr old man in a fully sexual straight relationship but I still feel kind of sorry for that woman. Every woman deserves to be treated with respect. See ya.

Dear Cat,
I have to agree that the woman’s excuse, ‘that’s just not where my head is’ is vague on purpose, extremely selfish, and an unfair explanation of her refusal to give her partner any affection. This pattern will only see their relationship destroyed in time. The question writer should give her an ultimatum right now: explain yourself or I’m out.
— S. J. (Chicago, IL)

Hi Cat,
RE Love enough reason to live together. In a healthy, mature relationship, the man should marry the woman, and then live together AFTER the honeymoon. A truly committed relationship is between a husband and wife for a lifetime. Anything less is lame. Keep up the good work.

hello cat,
just a quick comment to your advice to the gentleman who wants to live with his girlfriend but does not want to upset the parents who are somewhat old-fashioned. i think that this is bad advice because, if there is a separation, there is no legal protection for either parties. this creates a messy situation of trying to equally divide up assets and debts – at least, if there is a marriage, there are some legal remedies. Lastly, it is often the ladies who come up with the short end of these arrangements whenever there is a separation.
— Of The “Old-Fashioned” Generation

Cat:
I write to strongly disagree with your advice. I am the parent of 4 adult sons. I don’t support your viewpoint at all. I don’t believe in living together without marriage or premarital sex for that matter. Your advice is disrespectful to those of us who feel as we do. Many adult children are not financially independent but feel they can shove their lifestyle down the throats of their parents. I also notice that young adults feel they can say anything they want about everything but when their parents state their opinions, [they] are often labeled out of town with the times. How refreshing it would be if you turn out to be different.

Hey Cat,
I liked your call about getting engaged before moving in together. Usually I’d say don’t even bother moving in with your boyfriend (I’ve been there) but in this case the couple is already really involved with the families and they’re planning on getting engaged anyway. It’d be one thing if they weren’t really serious yet, but that’s not the case in this situation. Usually it’s a bad idea to live together without a serious commitment because when you break up it’s a nightmare – like getting a divorce but people can just walk away and leave you high and dry. Good call. — Wouldn’t Do It Without A Ring (Washington, DC)

Cat:
I am writing to express my disappointment with today’s Cat’s Call column that ran under the headline Love is enough reason to live together. The column itself answers a question about living together with this question: “What are you waiting for?” The second of two answers in today’s column advised the letter writer on how to handle her lesbian relationship. I’m sure that many people would agree with me that none of this is worthy of a periodical that refers to itself as one of One of America’s Great Newspapers or for that matter any periodical at all. —Anonymous